00:30:01 – 00:45:00
Nurse Transept has lodged a formal complaint because, other than the occasional pretty yeoman who briefly joins the crew, she is the only female on board the 15-Minute Federation. She says that this has led to a hostile work environment, and that she is forced to do double-duty as the voice of the ship’s computer without receiving any additional pay.
In fact, there are no females regularly assigned to the bridge, even though the other members of the bridge crew keep threatening to put Lt. O’Hara, our communications officer, in a miniskirt. Even Ensign Pavlov is a male, although he’s been neutered. Some suggest that Lt. O’Hara has been as well.
Captain James C. Firewater prides himself on inclusion and diversity, and his ability to dodge HR complaints. To that end, he has pledged to add a female to the bridge. To make this happen, he flash-forwarded to the TNG era of Trek and added the position of ship’s counselor. We’re accepting resumes and conducting interviews now. The captain said she doesn’t have to be Betazoid, but she does have to wear her hair in a bad home perm for the first couple of years, at least, and wear a uniform that reveals a lot of cleavage.
We suspect that the captain’s super-ability to dodge HR complaints could be failing him soon.
Welcome to Chapter 3 of The Wrath of Khan Edition of the 15-Minute Federation, where our band of certified nerds promises to scrutinize, satirize, and Vulcanize the second Star Trek movie produced, at a rate of fifteen minutes at a time.
As always, we acknowledge our debt to the Star Wars Minute podcast for inspiring this ludicrous type of film-watching.
A quick summary of what’s happened so far. Kobayashi Maru. Kirstie Alley. Depressed birthday Kirk. Ceti Alpha VI . . . or maybe it was Ceti Alpha V. Project Genesis. Kirk’s baby mama and possibly his bastard son, who is a doctor. Khan Noonien Singh. Earwigs that wrap around the cerebral cortex and make their hosts highly suggestible. Captain Terrell and Pavel Chekov.
Okay. You’re up to speed.
And so is the Enterprise. The scene in which Lt. Saavik pilots the ship out of space dock may not be quite as excruciatingly long as we remember from Star Trek: The Motion Picture, but we still linger perhaps a beat too long on our beautiful ship as the music swells.
We’re suddenly back with Dr. Carol Marcus and her son, Dr. David. Chekov calls Regula I and tells them that Ceti Alpha VI has checked out, so it’s all systems go time. The Reliant will reach Regula I in three days and Project Genesis will be placed on board their ship. The orders come from Admiral James T. Kirk himself.
This is all a lie, of course. If you will recall, Chekov is currently being mind-controlled by Khan, who wants Project Genesis for himself, to use as a weapon.
Back on the Enterprise, Kirk gets cornered by Saavik on a turbolift. She wants to talk about the Kobayashi Maru. Kirk won’t reveal his secret for beating the program.
Dr. Carol Marcus contacts Kirk from Regula I. She’s angry with him for commandeering Project Genesis. Kirk is unable to communicate with his old lover because the transmission is being jammed at the source. Kirk contacts Starfleet to let them know that Genesis has been compromised.
With total absence of ego, Spock gives command of the Enterprise over to Kirk. He adds the commentary that he thinks Kirk made a mistake in accepting promotion to admiral. He also gives us the famous “logic dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” speech. Kirk informs the cadets that this is no longer a training cruise, and they head towards Regula I at Warp 5.
On the Reliant, Khan’s second-in-command Joachim tries to convince his boss to take the starship and run for the border. Khan won’t hear of it, of course. He has a hard-on for Admiral James T. Kirk, whom he intends to lure to his death. Khan has escaped from the hell that is Ceti Alpha V, but chooses to hang back so that he can have his revenge upon Kirk. That is textbook hubris, folks.
Back on the Enterprise, Uhura is unable to communicate with anyone on Regula I. Kirk takes the time to give Spock and McCoy a PowerPoint presentation about Project Genesis. In a nutshell, Genesis is life from lifelessness. Stage 3 of the project will be on a planetary scale. Matter reorganization with life-generating results.
As chapter three draws to a close, our chess pieces have been moved a little closer to each other on the board and the stakes have been further ramped up. Khan wants revenge, and he also wants to use Genesis as a weapon in his revenge. Kirk is in the process of letting us know about Genesis, even as—at Warp 5—our starship draws ever nearer to Regula I, where James T. Kirk’s former lover and her son, who is also probably Kirk’s son, remain in the path of danger.
This fifteen-minute segment has been all about movement, motivation, and exposition. Not a whole lot of action in this chapter. But, things are in motion, and we remain interested in the story.
Until next time . . . It Ain’t Over Until William Shatner Sings at the 15-Minute Federation . . .Live Long and Prosper.